God's Plan Sucks

While I’ve recently been pointing out that being religious doesn’t necessarily make people bad, it doesn’t necessarily make them good either. Nor does being religious necessarily make people stupid, though the two often appear to go hand in hand. I submit as evidence the average apologist’s defense for the presence of evil in the world: It’s a part of God’s plan.

The presence of evil in the world while there is an allegedly powerful and benevolent god watching over us all is formally known as the Problem of Evil. Monotheistic apologists, who aren’t much for thinking, often recite any number of defenses as a reflex to the Problem of Evil. [While there are many complicated and convoluted answers to the Problem of Evil by some of the more clever theologians, that’s exactly the irony; faith should be simple and not require mental gymnastics to justify its finer points.] However, all answers are sorely insufficient and ultimately lead to the same place. For example, a theist may defend the presence of evil in the world as a punishment for the transgressions of Adam and Eve, with the rebuttal being, “Remind me again why I am responsible for the actions of others, especially when I wasn’t there to stop Adam and Eve from disobeying God? Oh, and if I am responsible for their transgressions, why? If I simply am responsible, God appears to have an arbitrary reason. It’s not like He said we’re responsible for each other from the get go; that’s nowhere in the Bible. You can’t hold us accountable after the fact. I mean, come on!” It’s right about now that the theist will invoke faith in ‘God’s plan,’ invoking faith since they do not know what God’s plan is. (Assuming God’s plan was in fact known, the next question that arises is why doesn’t an omnipotent god simply make things the way God wants it to be without all the suffering?)

I find that this particular answer to the Problem of Evil – having faith in some unknown plan – incredibly distressing. Imagine a god who – for some strange reason despite being omnipotent and omnibenevolent – thinks it’s okay for human beings to torture each other so that said God’s plan can be achieved. Think, really pause and think, of all the wars and manners of fighting, genocide, murders, rapes, general pain and suffering inflicted by human beings upon one another. [I think it is reasonable to leave out so-called natural evils such as hurricanes and earthquakes from the Problem of Evil since atmospheric and geologic activities have no intent.] For the amount of suffering that takes place to be necessary to some unknown plan of God is kind of like needing at least two overly ripe bananas to make banana bread; the plan can’t be achieved without it, can it? But that’s just it, no one really knows what the plan is or just as importantly, why this plan and not another, say, one that requires less suffering? After all, we don’t need banana bread and if we do, well, I’m sure there is banana bread out there made without bananas. (Granted, it may not be as nutritious.)

Sure, some theists indeed pretend to know the mind of God. They may say that God’s plan is for as many people to go to Heaven as possible or for people to accept God precisely because of all the suffering. As I’ve said, though, an omnipotent God could simply make these things happen; God could start off with everyone in Heaven with no need for an earthly life or provide more evidence for His existence so that suffering (read: coercion) would not be necessary to believe in God. That latter answer, that God includes suffering in our existence as a means of coercing us into needing an afterlife bespeaks of a despicable god. We certainly would frown upon a fellow human being who was so manipulative, yet God gets a free pass because He’s God? If that’s not arbitrary-meets-circular reasoning I don’t know what is.

Unable to answer the Problem of Evil, the theist will speak of how virtuous faith is, of how believing in a plan without evidence is somehow noble. Of course, theists never apply this vision of faith to any beliefs they don’t personally hold; Christians never say that Jews or Muslims are virtuous for having faith in their gods. No one says that the North Koreans are virtuous for believing their leader is a demi-god. Faith is not a virtue. Neither is stupidity. Both take little strength of emotion and no strength of intellect.

I don’t like God’s plan, probably because God’s plan looks a lot like things people simply want to believe without thinking too much. Even if we were to suppose God does exist, God’s plan looks terribly sadistic, which again, is a human trait. Any god deserving of my respect is above such human frailties.

I Bielibe It's the Hair

An open letter to Justin Bieber:

Look kid, I just saw the headlines, again. Even though I didn’t read the story, I already know the whole “testing positive for pot and Xanax” thing isn’t going to help you personally. Neither is driving an expensive sports car recklessly around the neighborhood, turning up your stereo way too loud, having confrontations with your neighbors, or – especially – being carried up the Great Wall of China by bodyguards. Yeah, that last one didn’t make you look like a god. You looked like a pussy. Because you are a pussy. And you’re a pussy because of your hair.

Your hair looks really feminine. It doesn’t matter if it’s the new-wave bowl-cut, shaved on one side, or the Kid & Play retro-80’s up-do. It still looks really soft, just like the person it’s coming out of. Granted, it’s not your fault you lost the genetic lottery, having the kind of hair silk worms would die for, and you certainly did make the most of your misfortune in terms of bilking cold, hard cash from a demographic that is sexually confused. I am curious, though, how do live knowing you’re such a pussy, that no matter how much blow you snort, no matter how much pot you smoke, no matter how fast you drive, no matter how much money your fans fill your treasure chest with, you’re never going to get respect? Shit, you could be a better entertainer than Michael Jackson and still no one would respect you. But, I offer you a way out.

Boy, you’ve got to cut your hair off. Like, all of it. Like, now. Sure, you’re laughing all the way to the bank right now while you party your little heart out. Sure, you’re just barely 20 and doing all the crazy shit everyone does at that age, but everyone else doesn’t get mistaken for Miley Cyrus. A decade from now, there isn’t a fan of today’s pop music that will be able to tell you apart from her when looking at your photo. Is that what you want? You’re alleged to be an evangelical Christian; problem is, I’m sure they frown upon sexual ambiguity given their patriarchal worldview. On the other hand, I guess evangelical Christians pride themselves on being followers, and you’ve certainly got that wrapped up as yet another teen star spiraling out of control.

Is this what you want Biebs, to be like everyone else? Granted, being a follower has its advantages, but you are in a unique position to re-invent yourself. By why do that since your money will last forever, prompting you to ‘retire’? Yeah, what you don’t realize, babe, is that the way you’re partying, that money ain’t going to last long, forcing you to put out another album and tour at some point. Might as well get started writing some new tunes now, before you finally do something stupid enough to get you locked up with large black men who like PYT’s like you. Then you’re really going to have something to sing about. (Um, you might want to skip gratuitous drug references on your next album; that’s Miley’s shtick. But if you are in fact the same person, then by all means.)

For your own sake For everyone else’s sake, cut off your hair. It won’t weaken you; you’re not Samson. Cut off your hair and splash some Rogaine on your face and chest. Shit, don’t forget your balls while you’re at it, if you got ‘em. I’m not sure you do. After all, it’s easy to act like a maniac when you’ve got plenty of money to get you off the hook. So cut off the hair. Hey, it worked for Britney, didn’t it? Yeah, cut it off before I do it for you.

Proud to be Whatever I Want

Stupidity is like a black hole – nothing good ever comes out of it. That’s why I’m proud to be a philosopher, regardless of how inept I might be. I’m proud to have made a choice that involves me thinking about things instead of mindlessly caving into the words that carelessly fall out of people’s mouths, like, “I’m proud to be Irish!”

Is it okay to be proud of something you don’t have a choice in being? It’s the same, if seemingly opposite, of me saying, “I’m ashamed to be American.” Why should the accident of my geographical location at my time of birth factor into who I am proud or not proud to be? It’s not my fault most other Americans are idiots and proud of it. I can’t be ashamed over something I have no control over. Of course, I might say I’m ashamed to be an American if some jibber-jabber-jihadist was about to cut my head off, but I wouldn’t actually mean it; I’m American as a matter of fact. That fact is neither here nor there.

Oddly enough, or perhaps as expected, when someone claims to be proud of their heritage or ethnicity, they are never much able to say exactly why being something like Irish is so great. Or, when they can recite some glowing attributes, can never say what horrible things have gone hand-in-hand with all that goodness. Plus, if everyone’s Irish on Saint Patrick’s Day, what good is actually being Irish? It’s not like one can drink more alcohol because they’re Irish; every ethnicity claims to be the best drinkers. But the best drinkers, it turns out, are those who practice at it, like writers. Being a good drinker doesn’t require special genes, just a willingness towards self-destruction. That willingness is a choice.

Don’t be proud of your ethnicity or heritage. Ultimately, you are not your ethnicity and heritage; that’s a call others want you to make for the sake of primitive tribalism. If you don’t believe me, ask yourself this question: Is my ethnicity or heritage relevant when no one else is around? Didn’t think so. Here’s an idea: Be who you want to be. Followers need not apply.