I received a call from my younger sister yesterday. “Santa, Alex will not brush his teeth,” were the first words out of her mouth. “I am so glad I don’t have children,” I replied. Apparently, neither one of us were on top of this conversation…yet. “Sant-UH, Alex will not brush his teeth.” A light bulb went off somewhere in the nether regions of my brain. “Oh, am I supposed to be Santa?” After chiding my sister that this kind of deception was unethical—lying only begets lying—I wholeheartedly played along. I could hear Alex in the background being obstinate and he only seemed to relent when he actually heard that his mother was in fact talking to someone. “Alex, do you want to talk to Santa?” my sister pushed after Alex came to this realization. “Noooo,” Alex demurred. This was an unfortunate turn of events as I thought how I could teach Alex and my sister a thing or two about Santa.
I imagined the conversation this way: “Ho, ho, ho, Alex! How are you little fellow? Say, your mommy tells me you aren’t brushing your teeth. Alex, brushing your teeth will make you big and strong, like your daddy! Mommy and Daddy know what is good for you, that’s why they ask you to do things like brush your teeth.” [By now, a four-year old’s attention span is waning, so you have to stay on top of the situation.] “Alex, you want presents don’t you? Of course you do! But you can’t get presents unless you do everything Mommy and Daddy tell you to do between now and Christmas. And, if you’re really good, Santa (that’s me, ho, ho, ho!) will bring you a motorcycle! Just like the one The Terminator rides! You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Alex? But don’t tell Mommy and Daddy I’ll get you these things or they might not get presents either. So be good, Alex!”
Perhaps after making several other promises Santa—or Alex’s parents—can’t possibly keep, I figure my sister would have a lot of explaining to do on Christmas morning. Thing is, I don’t quite get why the deception of Santa is necessary. Sure, it’s all magic and wonder; how does Santa visit all the little kid’s houses in one night? My question is this: Do parents think of Santa as a white lie, one that politely coerces children into behaving? I’m sure getting children to behave during the holidays is necessary, because it is a time that is particularly stressful, what with all the presents that must be bought for the children who, if you would just let them misbehave, wouldn’t get presents anyway (just a thought). Want to get children to behave? One word—squirt bottle. At least it works on my cat. In other words, the reasonable application of corporal punishment should be sufficient when dealing with unruly children. [Excuse me a moment while I kick the ass of some liberal douche-bag who thinks a world without punishments for broken rules would result in some sort of Utopia. I mean, it really depends on whether the rules are reasonable enough for everyone, something neither liberals nor conservatives ever consider. Anyway...]
I am a little disappointed that I almost participated in the deception. I am particularly disappointed that I didn’t consider some time ago that it would generate a lot of income to set up a 1-800 number that charges $2.99 a minute to call Santa for just these kinds of situations. If I’m going to compromise my ideals, I might as well make some money while I’m at it. I think in another universe somewhere, I am a well-paid lawyer.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Aw, Hell
[Originally aired August 2008.]
As the thermometer topped 100 degrees in Portland today, I began wondering about Hell, and I'm not talking about another season of MTV's Real World. It was hot today, but was it hotter than Hell? After living in Tucson, AZ for seven years, a few 100 degree days in Portland is uncomfortable, sure, but hardly the end of the world. That got me thinking about what Hell might actually be like. However, before I get to that, an observation: I find it odd that people think their earthly life is so bad they have to imagine Heaven, so wouldn't that practically equate life on Earth with life in Hell for these same people? (It would make sense after all; life, what with its endless array of nuisances.) If life is so bad that people have to imagine Heaven beyond a life on Earth, do they need to even imagine Hell? I mean, if it could get worse (i.e., go to Hell) than why would anyone complain about their terrestrial downtime? I figure that if Hell were so bad, religious folk would be doing a lot more to avoid going there.
So what is Hell like that makes it such an uncompelling place to avoid? For most of us who grew up in the U.S., we're familiar with Hell as a fire and brimstone kinda place, where your flesh is seared off your bones on a daily basis, the only beer available is Budweiser, and Los Del Rio's Macarena is on eternal rotation. If the proprietor of Hell were a little more ingenious, I think Hell would be more like forever living out our worst fears. For example, a binge-eating bulimic who can't throw up. Nauseating, right? That said, I know what hell would be for me, but I don't know how other people imagine Hell, if they do at all. The whole concept doesn't seem to be thought out very well, for it doesn't seem to be much of a deterrent to bad behavior.
Similarly, what is so great about Heaven that I should want to go there? I've heard that you get to forever be in God's presence and that alone is worth the agony of living a pious life. However, this seems like it would get boring after a few days. For the gentlemen though, Islam is particularly attractive it seems; just martyr yourself and you'll wind up with a divine harem of virgins! (In Hell, the guy is awarded a harem but is afflicted with erectile dysfunction.) Yet questions remain: In Heaven, do I need free will anymore? If so, why? Can I do whatever I want in Heaven if I do have free will, such as commit evil (because I so would)? Are there activities, like shuffleboard, or Bingo? Will I be the young me, the old me, the way I am when I die, or simply disembodied? How big is Heaven? What's the weather like? Does God have an "open door" policy for handling complaints? I'm curious to know if anyone has really thought their visions of Heaven through.
I'll leave it at that for now. The computer is overheating, but that's not the weather's fault. It's just a Dell piece of crap, compliments of Satan. I would try to go on but…ack, BSOD!!
"The only Hell there is, is the one we're living in." Ron Ruiz, circa 1988; high school classmate and eventual penitentiary inhabitant.
As the thermometer topped 100 degrees in Portland today, I began wondering about Hell, and I'm not talking about another season of MTV's Real World. It was hot today, but was it hotter than Hell? After living in Tucson, AZ for seven years, a few 100 degree days in Portland is uncomfortable, sure, but hardly the end of the world. That got me thinking about what Hell might actually be like. However, before I get to that, an observation: I find it odd that people think their earthly life is so bad they have to imagine Heaven, so wouldn't that practically equate life on Earth with life in Hell for these same people? (It would make sense after all; life, what with its endless array of nuisances.) If life is so bad that people have to imagine Heaven beyond a life on Earth, do they need to even imagine Hell? I mean, if it could get worse (i.e., go to Hell) than why would anyone complain about their terrestrial downtime? I figure that if Hell were so bad, religious folk would be doing a lot more to avoid going there.
So what is Hell like that makes it such an uncompelling place to avoid? For most of us who grew up in the U.S., we're familiar with Hell as a fire and brimstone kinda place, where your flesh is seared off your bones on a daily basis, the only beer available is Budweiser, and Los Del Rio's Macarena is on eternal rotation. If the proprietor of Hell were a little more ingenious, I think Hell would be more like forever living out our worst fears. For example, a binge-eating bulimic who can't throw up. Nauseating, right? That said, I know what hell would be for me, but I don't know how other people imagine Hell, if they do at all. The whole concept doesn't seem to be thought out very well, for it doesn't seem to be much of a deterrent to bad behavior.
Similarly, what is so great about Heaven that I should want to go there? I've heard that you get to forever be in God's presence and that alone is worth the agony of living a pious life. However, this seems like it would get boring after a few days. For the gentlemen though, Islam is particularly attractive it seems; just martyr yourself and you'll wind up with a divine harem of virgins! (In Hell, the guy is awarded a harem but is afflicted with erectile dysfunction.) Yet questions remain: In Heaven, do I need free will anymore? If so, why? Can I do whatever I want in Heaven if I do have free will, such as commit evil (because I so would)? Are there activities, like shuffleboard, or Bingo? Will I be the young me, the old me, the way I am when I die, or simply disembodied? How big is Heaven? What's the weather like? Does God have an "open door" policy for handling complaints? I'm curious to know if anyone has really thought their visions of Heaven through.
I'll leave it at that for now. The computer is overheating, but that's not the weather's fault. It's just a Dell piece of crap, compliments of Satan. I would try to go on but…ack, BSOD!!
"The only Hell there is, is the one we're living in." Ron Ruiz, circa 1988; high school classmate and eventual penitentiary inhabitant.
Be Cause
~For the past ten weeks I have attended school downtown. During that time, I have been accosted innumerable times by activists on every street corner, day and night, whether I was coming or going. They wave at me frantically from twenty yards away so that I cannot pretend to avert my attention. Armed with their Shield-of-Justice (read: clipboard) and smiles that could melt the very ice-caps they are intent upon saving, they begin their spiel. "Hi, I'm Brandi! Help me fight global warming?"~
DIE!
No, Brandi (if that's your real name) I cannot help you fight global warming in the manner with which you would have me "help." I'm not giving you money and I'm not signing a petition to advance some ill defined measure on Capitol Hill that any evil corporation worth their salt can easily circumnavigate. You see, Brandi with an "i"—you cherry red-headed, peace-loving, iPod-grooving, Double Venti Cinnamon Latte slut who took up global warming as a cause because taking up slavery in the Congo is something you'd sooner see swept under the rug seeing how the silicon used to make your iPod comes from the Congo—If I actually cared about stopping global warming, I would actually do something relevant about it. I would be going to school to become an environmental or political scientist. Or, I would take up arms, raise an army, and overthrow China (while my country of origin refuses to sign the Kyoto Treaty). Or, I would stop myself and encourage everyone else from eating beef, soy, corn, and wheat. Unfortunately, I'm a philosophy major who'd rather address the problem of overpopulating the fucking rock we live on and the consequences of doing that, which is something no one wants to talk about because ARGH!, what good are we if we don't keep pumping out babies and raise them to be assholes like the assholes who are causing global warming? Brand"i", stop fighting a losing battle.
Let me tell you something else, Kelly Clipboard. Anyone over the age of twenty, a demographic I am clearly a part of, knows about climate change and doesn't need to be told what's up. If I were really interested in saving the Polar Bears, I'd contact Al Gore myself or at least pretend that turning off the lights when I leave a room is any help. No, no, I'm not giving you my personal info so that you can decide at some point to steal my identity, having determined that mugging for signatures on a street corner just doesn't pay as well as crime. I respect that you want a job and be useful at the same time. You do have other options. In other words, I don't want you to think that stripping isn't a job 'cause honey, that's your best bet when you see me coming.
Next time, I'm just going to tell you I'm for whatever you're trying to peddle. Global Warming? Who the hell wouldn't be for that? Brandi, sweety, have you ever been through a Russian winter? There are some people whom I'm sure would like the planet to heat up just a little fucking bit. So yeah, that's what I'm going to do. It'll be interesting to see how you react. Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance. Oh, but here are some kids with disposable income leaving Abercrombie & Fitch. I'm sure they're not up on the whole global warming thing. Smile and introdouche yourself to them. Me? I've got things to do. Look, there are some trees I can cut down…
DIE!
No, Brandi (if that's your real name) I cannot help you fight global warming in the manner with which you would have me "help." I'm not giving you money and I'm not signing a petition to advance some ill defined measure on Capitol Hill that any evil corporation worth their salt can easily circumnavigate. You see, Brandi with an "i"—you cherry red-headed, peace-loving, iPod-grooving, Double Venti Cinnamon Latte slut who took up global warming as a cause because taking up slavery in the Congo is something you'd sooner see swept under the rug seeing how the silicon used to make your iPod comes from the Congo—If I actually cared about stopping global warming, I would actually do something relevant about it. I would be going to school to become an environmental or political scientist. Or, I would take up arms, raise an army, and overthrow China (while my country of origin refuses to sign the Kyoto Treaty). Or, I would stop myself and encourage everyone else from eating beef, soy, corn, and wheat. Unfortunately, I'm a philosophy major who'd rather address the problem of overpopulating the fucking rock we live on and the consequences of doing that, which is something no one wants to talk about because ARGH!, what good are we if we don't keep pumping out babies and raise them to be assholes like the assholes who are causing global warming? Brand"i", stop fighting a losing battle.
Let me tell you something else, Kelly Clipboard. Anyone over the age of twenty, a demographic I am clearly a part of, knows about climate change and doesn't need to be told what's up. If I were really interested in saving the Polar Bears, I'd contact Al Gore myself or at least pretend that turning off the lights when I leave a room is any help. No, no, I'm not giving you my personal info so that you can decide at some point to steal my identity, having determined that mugging for signatures on a street corner just doesn't pay as well as crime. I respect that you want a job and be useful at the same time. You do have other options. In other words, I don't want you to think that stripping isn't a job 'cause honey, that's your best bet when you see me coming.
Next time, I'm just going to tell you I'm for whatever you're trying to peddle. Global Warming? Who the hell wouldn't be for that? Brandi, sweety, have you ever been through a Russian winter? There are some people whom I'm sure would like the planet to heat up just a little fucking bit. So yeah, that's what I'm going to do. It'll be interesting to see how you react. Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance. Oh, but here are some kids with disposable income leaving Abercrombie & Fitch. I'm sure they're not up on the whole global warming thing. Smile and introdouche yourself to them. Me? I've got things to do. Look, there are some trees I can cut down…
This is like, so annoying, and stuff
I don't know how it began. I don't know when people began doing it (circa Beavis and Butthead?) and exactly when I began to notice it. Now I hear it every time it is spoken, even when I do it myself. And I hate that I do it.
Sometimes I tell people I chose not to be an English major because I didn't want to be one of those people who always corrected people on their use of language. [That and because I'm my own worst editor.] Language is, after all, ever-changing and fluid. The children texting today are inevitably going to reshape the English language; this is to be expected. However, this is not reason enough to abuse language and speak in a manner that clearly demonstrates stupidity. "These ones," is a good example. Just say, "These." While criticizing someone to this end might incur something akin to wrath, this does not relieve them of wrong-doing because everyone does it. Nor is it about being anal. We have grammar rules so that we are able to know what is being talked about in a conversation. Moreover, if I were an employer, I would not hire someone who talked in such a manner. It is not correct and hence, not professional.
In the past month or so, I began to notice that people use the word "Like" in a manner completely unbefitting its meaning. I believe it acceptable to use the word when trying to approximate. For example, "She used the word 'like' like, 25 or 26 times in the course of our conversation," if you can't recall exactly how often she actually said it. And, of course it is always okay to use the word "like" when making an analogy. Here is when it is not okay: [Actual one-side of a phone conversation I overheard.] "Yeah, his birthday is like, on Saturday. He's cool. He's like, shy and stuff. But he's like, really funny." Well, IS his birthday Saturday or not? IS he shy or not? IS he really funny? Does she know this person at all?
Using "like" in this manner isn't even appropriate as an interjection in the same manner that "Um" is often used. "Um," is useful insofar that it allows a listener to digest what has just been said while preparing for what is about to be said. No one needs time to digest, "He's like, shy and stuff," before preparing to hear, "But he's like, really funny." I suppose talking in this manner wouldn't be so annoying if only a few people did it. But everyone does it! Even I do it, though I am getting better at catching it and sometimes stopping myself. If you take a few minutes to really listen to other people or yourself, you'll be amazed. It is insane how often you will hear "like" abused in the course of a five minute conversation.
"And stuff," is typically used in conjunction with "like." Wtf does "and stuff" mean? "He's like, shy and stuff"? What stuff? Shy and what, homicidal??" And stuff" doesn't tell me anything. I have no recourse but to ask, when "and stuff" is uttered, "What stuff?" Try it. It's LIKE a deer in the headlights.
Sometimes I tell people I chose not to be an English major because I didn't want to be one of those people who always corrected people on their use of language. [That and because I'm my own worst editor.] Language is, after all, ever-changing and fluid. The children texting today are inevitably going to reshape the English language; this is to be expected. However, this is not reason enough to abuse language and speak in a manner that clearly demonstrates stupidity. "These ones," is a good example. Just say, "These." While criticizing someone to this end might incur something akin to wrath, this does not relieve them of wrong-doing because everyone does it. Nor is it about being anal. We have grammar rules so that we are able to know what is being talked about in a conversation. Moreover, if I were an employer, I would not hire someone who talked in such a manner. It is not correct and hence, not professional.
In the past month or so, I began to notice that people use the word "Like" in a manner completely unbefitting its meaning. I believe it acceptable to use the word when trying to approximate. For example, "She used the word 'like' like, 25 or 26 times in the course of our conversation," if you can't recall exactly how often she actually said it. And, of course it is always okay to use the word "like" when making an analogy. Here is when it is not okay: [Actual one-side of a phone conversation I overheard.] "Yeah, his birthday is like, on Saturday. He's cool. He's like, shy and stuff. But he's like, really funny." Well, IS his birthday Saturday or not? IS he shy or not? IS he really funny? Does she know this person at all?
Using "like" in this manner isn't even appropriate as an interjection in the same manner that "Um" is often used. "Um," is useful insofar that it allows a listener to digest what has just been said while preparing for what is about to be said. No one needs time to digest, "He's like, shy and stuff," before preparing to hear, "But he's like, really funny." I suppose talking in this manner wouldn't be so annoying if only a few people did it. But everyone does it! Even I do it, though I am getting better at catching it and sometimes stopping myself. If you take a few minutes to really listen to other people or yourself, you'll be amazed. It is insane how often you will hear "like" abused in the course of a five minute conversation.
"And stuff," is typically used in conjunction with "like." Wtf does "and stuff" mean? "He's like, shy and stuff"? What stuff? Shy and what, homicidal??" And stuff" doesn't tell me anything. I have no recourse but to ask, when "and stuff" is uttered, "What stuff?" Try it. It's LIKE a deer in the headlights.
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