10 Things I Love About Not Being A Christian

10. I don’t have to tell my wife to be in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant. Let’s get something straight once and for all: As necessary as they may be, pregnant women are NOT attractive. Besides, my wife is a terrible cook.

9. I can go almost anywhere on a Sunday morning and it’s not crowded. I hate crowds, or at least I will until I am famous.

8. I don’t have to construct cockamamie philosophical arguments to prove my god’s existence (as opposed to any other god). This in particular frees me from the Herculean task of defining what a god is. Wait, was Hercules a god or a demi-god? If he was a demi-god, what was Jesus? Oh crap, see what I mean?

7. No tithing! Which sounds like ‘teething’ which reminds me of babies which requires pregnant women. Refer back to number 10.

6. I don’t have to automatically vote Republican. Thank goodness, since I can’t stand people who justify war, mistreat the downtrodden, and sympathize with the rich like Jesus did.

5. I don’t have to use fear to get people to coerce people to behave. That is SO old! I’d much rather subtly manipulate people without them realizing it. I respect that kind of game-play.

4. Speaking of fear, there’s no Hell. Even if there was, it can’t be as bad as staying at a Days Inn in bumfuck New York.

3. I don’t have to claim there is a culture war in America that is unfairly targeting Christians. Because if there is one thing no one likes, it’s when the shoe is on the other foot.

2. I don’t have to read the Bible. I mean, it’s SO long. And if 99% of Christians can’t be bothered to read it, why should I?

1. I don’t have to pretend a male god making the first person ever another man isn’t a totally gay thing to do. Do you know why Jesus told us to turn the other cheek? To look the other way.