Heaven is for Real! And I'm Supposed to be Impressed?

One of the questions I like to ask theists that highlights the absurdity of their beliefs is this: “What is Heaven like?” Upon hearing this question, I often see the theist’s eyes light up, but not in that, “I’m glad you asked!” kind of way. No, more like the wheels in their head start turning, gearing up to turn out some fantastical vision of their own making. But I think the question is quite fair given that going to Heaven is the goal of any given (mono)theist’s beliefs. If Heaven is the goal, one should have a fairly good idea what they’re pursuing. Given the importance of Heaven, I would think that whatever Heaven is would be clearly spelled out in religious texts if for no other reason than to motivate the believer to follow the rules necessary to get to Heaven.

Instead, what I get when I ask this question are answers as individual as the people describing Heaven. And this has to be so because Heaven is not adequately described either physically or in terms of what ‘life’ will be like, at least not in the Bible. There are much fewer passage in the Bible describing Heaven than the word itself is used. That being so, theists are forced to use their imaginations when thinking about moving to the Big City. But let’s take a look at some descriptions from around the Web that are at least somewhat scripturally-based:

1)     “Heaven is a place of ‘no mores.’ There will be no more tears, no more pain, and no more sorrow (Revelation 21:4). There will be no more separation, because death will be conquered (Revelation 20:6). The best thing about heaven is the presence of our Lord and Savior (1 John 3:2). We will be face to face with the Lamb of God who loved us and sacrificed Himself so that we can enjoy His presence in heaven for eternity.”

2)     “Most of us have heard that heaven is a place where the streets are paved with gold, the gates are made of pearl, and the walls made of precious jewels. Those images come from Revelation 21, which offers us the most extended picture of heaven in the entire Bible. If you ask me if I believe those things are literally true, the answer is yes and no. Yes, they are literally true but no, heaven won't be anything like we imagine. It will be much greater.”

3)     “So what will we do for all eternity? The answer is, we're going to help God run the universe…We will use our gifts to administer the new heaven and the new earth. Bakers will bake, teachers will teach, singers will sing, and I suppose that preachers will preach. For all I know, soldiers may march off to battle and quarterbacks will throw passes. Think of the flowers the botanists will study. Gifted astronomers will go from galaxy to galaxy studying the wonders of God's creation.”

4)     “Heaven has a river, clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb [Jesus] down the middle of the city. On each side of the river there will be a tree of life, yielding twelve kinds of fruit every month. The streets will be pure gold, like transparent glass. The walls of the city will be adorned with every kind of jewel, emerald, onyx, amethyst, topaz, etc. There will be no need for a sun or moon, and no need for a temple or church. The presence of the Lord will be its light.”

What I laugh at the most when given the physical descriptions of Heaven is that if I visually imagine it, Heaven starts sounding like an episode of Pimp My House. Precious metals and jewels galore, oh my! Really? If everyone has these things, they’re not valuable anymore. Is God trying to wow us by showing us how rich he is? Sorry God, but not only do we have enough rich assholes flaunting their wealth on Earth but personally, I’m not that big a fan of gold, aesthetically speaking. Description-wise, I’ve failed to be impressed by anyone’s vision of Heaven seeing how obviously these visions relate to the desires of the person making such claims.

As for what ‘life’ would be like, I often hear from believers that we would spend most of our time (if not all) worshipping God for eternity. That sounds like it can get old fast, say, after a century or two, and I know I’m not alone in thinking this. Moreover, this notion of eternal worship again raises the question of why God requires worship or even wants to be. Regarding the third gem above, why would God need any help running the universe and why does running the universe sound a lot like the things we’re already doing on Earth? I’m particularly incredulous at the idea that soldier might go off to battle and kill people, er, that can’t die since this is Heaven, a place of ‘no mores’ according to the first gem? I’m surely not able to reconcile those two visions.

Here’s the thing about going to Heaven, a place where there is no more dying, pain, sorrow, suffering, etc. God could have created a situation where everyone started off in Heaven. BUT, apparently one is required to suffer first in order to deserve a room at God’s 1,000 star hotel. Not only that, but one has to increase their suffering by denying themselves many Earthly pleasures or pleasure of the flesh in order to deserve being somewhere where there is no suffering. On Earth, the believer is constantly tested (whether by themselves or by others or by situations) in order to be given a prize. And that’s where the catch-22 comes in: On Earth, all this suffering and free will stuff is a virtue but in Heaven these virtues are no longer necessary. While we often pass tests to see if we’re deserving of certain statuses, being required not to pass any more tests means whatever position I have in Heaven (assuming I’ve earned it; I’m not doing so good thus far…) will lock me into that fate. The theist may contend that I wouldn’t want to do anything else but be in the presence of God once I’m in Heaven, but I fail to see how this differs from being a mindless robot with no free will. So again I have to ask why didn’t God just make things like this to begin with?

The typical defense for such a grand oversight in the descriptions of Heaven is that the idea is beyond human imagination or understanding. Okay, so if I can’t imagine it or understand it, where does anyone get off claiming Heaven is somewhere we should want to go? Oh, that’s right, faith. But each person taking their vision of Heaven on faith means that there is no single unifying vision which means that even given a best case scenario all but one person’s vision of Heaven is wrong, if that one person is even correct. The choices then become this: Either everyone is wrong about Heaven, only one person is right about Heaven, or everyone is right about Heaven. It’s probably the case that everyone is wrong, but in case only one person’s vision is true, no one knows (pretending to know doesn’t count) who that person is. If we take option number three, that everyone is right about Heaven, I’m surely better off becoming a believer seeing how my Heaven is going to have strippers and a beer volcano.

As it stands, I don’t see a compelling reason to want to go to Heaven based upon all the current descriptions. Of course, I’m open to hearing fantastic visions, just be prepared for a lot of questions. There aren’t a lot of reviews of Heaven on Trip Advisor and I’m one those people who is really choosey about my accommodations, especially one that’s going to be forever.

WWJD? No, Seriously.

Have you ever found yourself in a certain situation and come to the terrifying revelation that, by golly, you just didn’t know what to do? Like the other day, I was in the city and I happened upon Doctor Octopus rampaging through the waterfront district. Having never fought a super villain before, I didn’t know exactly what to do. But what I do know is that Spiderman has fought Doc Ock on many occasions and under many circumstances. So naturally I asked myself, “What would Spiderman do?” The rest as they say is history as Doc Ock is resting comfortably behind bars at this very moment.

There routinely comes those moments in our lives where having never found ourselves in particular situations we seek guidance from sources outside of ourselves. Sometimes we call these people heroes, being that they provide stellar examples of the kind of behavior we ourselves would like to imitate if we were unfortunate enough to find ourselves in scenarios such as those our heroes have faced. We might also call upon the stories of our heroes in situations we are already familiar with in hopes of acting with more grace and dignity then we may have had previously.

            For the Christian, the hero they are supposed to be channeling is Jesus Christ. While they can surely have other heroes besides, their primary source of inspiration is, as they claim, the son of God as characterized in the Bible’s New Testament. Frankly, there is a comedic element involved for many a Republican-lovin’ Evangelical who enjoys claiming this much. That is to say, Evangelical Christians act in a manner that is often inconsistent with the words of their main man, Jesus of Nazareth.

            Let’s take a look at, oh I don’t know, George W. Bush. He’s a Christian isn’t he? He claims to be and there’s no arguing that Evangelicals made up the majority of his constituents. Though, I can’t help but get the feeling that good ol’ George never seriously asks himself, “What would Jesus do?” when confronted by difficult choices. I really wonder if, on the eve of the US invasion of Iraq, President Bush asked himself, “Would Jesus invade a country that poses less than half the threat than North Korea does?” Even if Iraq or any other country did pose a dire threat to the United States, doesn’t Jesus state in Matthew chapter 5 verses 39-44 to love your enemies and do good by them? A theist partial to the Bible may object and claim that God’s enemies are nonetheless condemned to Hell, but that is a judgment reserved for God (as stated at least twice in the Book of Matthew).

            We’re not done with making an example out of Mr. Bush yet, hero worshippers. It is quite clear as well that the former oil businessman turned leader-of-the-free-world had close ties to the financially well-to-do and multi-billion dollar corporate interests while in office. But doesn’t Jesus say unequivocally in Matthew 19: 23-24 that it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven? Why is President Bush hobnobbing with rich people if Jesus is his favorite philosopher? “Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you,” lamented Jesus in James chapter 5 verses 1-5. Why is the Republican Party known for pandering to the upper class if Christians are their constituents?

            To be fair, George W. Bush isn’t the only offender among those who claims to adhere to the words set forth by Jesus and then acts in a radically different manner. Let’s take Rush Limbaugh for example. He’ll tell you he’s a fan of Jesus, just not a very big fan if his actions are any indication. I mean, gee, wasn’t Rush addicted to pain killers for a while there? Yet in Matthew 5:29-30 Jesus tells us that it would be better to pluck out our own eyes and cut off our hands if it meant keeping us from sinning or giving into vice. Should Rush have cut off his hands in order to keep himself from popping pills? While the Bible may have nothing to say about whether or not being addicted to pain medication is good or bad, Limbaugh surely thinks it is a vice as he had routinely criticized drug addicts before his hypocrisy was revealed. [See Luke 6:41 for Jesus’ warning against hypocrisy, Rush.] But maybe Limbaugh was speaking in parables. Oh dear, he was following Jesus’ example after all.

            Okay, well then, what of Jim Bakker, the former leader of the Praise The Lord (PTL) Ministries? Hmm, if history recalls correctly, wasn’t he the guy who tried to buy his press secretary Jessica Hahn’s silence about her sexual services to him? I’m pretty sure that Christians generally agree that, citing Jesus’ supposed celibate lifestyle and Paul the Apostle’s views on sex, what Jim did was a big no-no. And as we all know, Jim Bakker is hardly the only Christian leader guilty of sexual misdeed. Jesse Jackson, cough, cough. Archdiocese of Boston, Portland, and Tucson, ahem, ahem. Damn this sore throat. Why didn’t any of these people ask themselves, when faced with such great temptation, “What would Jesus do?” Would Jesus cheat on his wife? Would Jesus sire a love child? Would Jesus molest little children? Would Jesus try to cover it up?

            There’s also the matter of the Golden rule. In the Book of Luke chapter 6 verse 31 Jesus says, “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.” In other words, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, which sounds like decent advice in most instances (sans you crazy sadomasochists out there). Seriously now, when’s the last time Jerry Falwell treated a homosexual or non-Christian with respect? “If you’re not a born again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being,” said Falwell in an attempt to sugarcoat reality. He must’ve skipped the Book of Luke entirely because Jesus also said therein, “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.” Perhaps Jerry Falwell would be best off asking himself whether or not Jesus would read the Bible before claiming to be a Christian.

            On any given day, your typical Evangelical can be seen living in a manner contradictory to the teachings of Jesus. In Matthew 5:5 Jesus says, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” Uh, are we still talking about Evangelicals here, the same people trying to turn America into a Christian version of Israel? In Matthew 5:34 Jesus states, “Swear not at all,” in forbidding the taking of oaths. Okay then, what the heck are Christians doing in the courtrooms?! In Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus gives a new commandment that is second only to the first one of loving God above all else. “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” he tells his audience. Well, that’s certainly not advice good Christians like Fox News parrots Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Cal Thomas, and Fox News president and founder Roger Ailes follow. "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity,” replies a demure Ann Coulter about Muslim countries on a typical day. That’s right, nothing says love like a religious conversion at the end of a gun barrel.

While I don’t qualify as an expert on the Bible, I can certainly say that I know the Bible better than 9 out of 10 Christians I come across. If you ask me, no one has been able to logically defend the outrageous positions Evangelicals typically take on everyday living, especially when you consider that they are supposed to be taking the words and gospels of Jesus into account when living their lives, otherwise a person would have no business calling themselves a follower of Christ. Yet call themselves Christians is exactly what they do! Would Jesus call himself the son of God if he really were not? What would Jesus do; would the King of Kings lie? 

I know what I’d do. Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: "With great power comes great responsibility." This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I'm Theory Parker.