Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Heelarious? Heel NO!

Is capitalism evil? It is if you consider the following: A Seattle based company has fashioned high-heeled shoes for babies. I’m not joking and I’m not making this up. As jaded as I am (and contrary to popular opinion), I do have a conscious. I am literally disgusted. Dolled up, pimped out children in beauty pageants are one thing, but this crosses an unholy new line! But before I take action, I am going to ask myself whether or not this really matters. Maybe I’m just over reacting. What’s wrong with babies wearing high heeled shoes?

First of all, it’s simply unnecessary, at least from the baby’s point of view. What does a child gain from wearing such shoes? Babies really aren’t aware enough to care beyond the desire to chew on a shiny new object (the safety hazard the straps provide is reason enough to shelve the shoes). Nor will other babies care. So who cares? The parents do. Putting high heels on a baby says a lot about the people who would do something so ridiculous. It is an attempt by said parents to say,”Hey, look at my child, dammit! Look how cute not to mention how advantaged they are! That’s right, we’ve got so much money, we can afford to throw away $35 in this floundering economy! Clothes make the person, yessiree.” Carrie Bradshaw would be proud. The rest of us should be sick. There is no purposeful statement to be made here other than trying to keep up with the Joneses. Frankly, if the Joneses are the kind of people who thoughtlessly spend money to buy meaningless objects with which to fulfill their empty lives, I don’t want to know them or run in their social circle. [I understand the attractiveness of resources from an evolutionary perspective, but it seems sad to me that humans have evolved in that direction. It drives people to behave poorly.]

Secondly, I don’t like what it may potentially teach the child. Indeed, the afore mentioned Carrie Bradshaw may be a heroine to meager freelance columnists with poor relationship skills everywhere, but in reality children don’t need to be programmed to spend all their money on shoes and clothing. Teenagers already do that so that they can be more attractive to their peers. Do tweens, children, toddlers, and babies need to be more attractive to the opposite sex? Sure, because really, there just aren’t enough pedophiles running around these days. Maybe it would be wiser to spend the money on something else for little girls; a chastity belt perhaps. Ah, but if little girls don’t learn to put out, how will the parents ever expect to marry them off? After all, it’s not like she’ll grow up to be anything useful, like a scientist or teacher. Little girls: The latest in window dressing. Smile! Are we STILL doing that? REALLY?

I will grant that the shoes are soft and elastic and not meant for babies to try and walk in. Great, it won’t lead to any trips to the podiatrist…until little Suzy actually does start walking and wants to do it in high heels. Oh for God sake, why don’t we just cut to the chase and bind little girl’s feet in linen so their feet don’t grow. At least Geisha’s are instructed in fine arts.

According to my calculations, human beings are getting stupider the more they multiply, though I haven’t figured this latest travesty into the equation yet. And I dare not. We can stop this. We can email this wicked people over and over until they get the message that what they are doing is wrong. They must be stopped or at least inconvenienced by an avalanche of email. Join the fight! The revolution will be emailed!!

Email them, ideally with a fake name and email so they cannot respond. Do it more than once. Then copy and send this entire message to every sane person you know. Stop Heelarious® before they become a problem! BECOME THEIR PROBLEM INSTEAD.

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