5 Suggestions for Terrorists

Is the word ‘terrorists’ just another word for ‘freedom fighter,’ a sort of revolutionary who is misguided in their use of force? I don’t know about being a revolutionary and all that, but the use of force by terrorists is indeed misguided. After all, what’s the point of terrorism? The point is to instill fear in the enemy, disrupt the lives of the enemy, and make the enemy take notice of the terrorists’ agenda/rightful place in the world. I guess one-out-of-three isn’t bad, if you’re a baseball player. I mean, sure, terrorists create fear but it isn’t enough to disrupt the lives of their enemies. The targets of terrorism, Joe Q Public, still goes to work, still shops for Christmas on Thanksgiving night, and still drowns themselves daily in a three-pump, two-shot Grande Venti Mocha Frappuccino Latte with whipped cream. Plus, Joe Q Public doesn’t care about a terrorist’s agenda because when terrorists have to blow stuff up to make a point, Joe Q Public cares more that people died than what the terrorists stand for. In this way, terrorists can safely be considered morons, but they are also morons for terrorizing in an oh-so-last-century fashion. If terrorists really want to change the world in their favor, if they really want the Western world to sit up and take notice of their agenda, terrorists need to bring their game into the 21^st century. To that end I offer terrorists some suggestions. And, since terrorists will never consider these suggestions because they go for spectacle over subtlety 99.9% of the time, I’m not really aiding any terrorists. (Did you get that NSA? I know you’re listening. Eric Snowden said so.)

5 – Help pass laws that allows gays to marry. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Why in Allah’s name would I do that?” Hear me out. The fact that gays are being allowed to marry in several U.S. states really, really upsets a great many “patriots” (read: Bible thumpin’ Fox News watching homosexual men who make lots of money pretending to be straight). If you can help gays get married in all 50 U.S. states, imagine the lifelong suffering you would incur among the most primitive members of American society. If no one else, the Southern states will listen to your demands.

4 – Still want to kill, don’t you? Okay, fine, but how about killing only people who actually deserve it, like the people who appear as contestants on American Idol and The Voice? I don’t need to remind you Islamic terrorists in particular that your holy book is meant to be sung when recited…do you really want Taylor Swift to convert to Islam and sing the Koran? I sure as fuck don’t. She’d turn it into a story about some dude breaking up with her and that would be, like, exhausting, and I never ever everrrr want that to happen. Plus, killing all the wannabe singers would spare the world of those really deep insights that are the prerogative of the shows’ judges, especially those ham-fisted analogies about baby seals being clubbed.

3 – Need a little R&R after all that killing? (You did include everyone who showed up at auditions, right?) How about you travel abroad and attack the coffee supply. Ethiopia, South America, wherever; if you really want to demoralize The United States, rob them of their elixir of life – coffee. Slash, burn, poison crops; do whatever you’ve got to do to reduce American consumption of coffee and I assure you the U.S. economy will collapse beyond repair within three months. Nothing will ever get done in America again. (Bonus: A third of America’s workforce – baristas – will be unemployed and unable to pay for their godless liberal college education. Collateral damage is awesome! ) 

2 – Okay, so going after the coffee supply isn’t the immediate payoff y’all have come to love. You still want spectacle and the time-consuming, blood-soaked deaths of warblers didn’t grant immediate satisfaction. Okay, how about blowing up a Budweiser factory or two? Despite the fact that anyone who chooses Budweiser over any other beer is a step below moronic, and there are a LOT of those people, blowing up a macro-brew factory is sure to give even the most die-hard redneck a big, dry lump in their throat. But whatever you do, DO NOT kill the Budweiser Clydesdales. Everyone fucking loves those horses. 

1 – Look, I know you guys are financed by very wealthy people so I know you’ve got the money to pull this one off: Buy all the toilet paper. ALL OF IT. John Lennon wanted us to imagine there’s no heaven? Imagine Americans without toilet paper! Among very few other things, Americans pride themselves on not smelling like ass. That being the case, toilet paper is one of the MOST essential items of consumption in The U.S. seeing how bidets are too complicated and French to use. Best of all, buying all the toilet paper is perfectly legal. No Gitmo for you lot! The U.S. would cower in the face of this ingenious plan. Now say it with me…ha…ha ha…mwah ha ha…MWAH HA HA HA HA!