Who's Laughing Now?

Typical AS soldier

October 28, 2014 (Reuters) - The United Nations, expressing deep concern, said on Thursday that the militant feminist group Amazon State has ordered all boys and men in and around Brazil’s northeastern city of Maraba to undergo male genital mutilation (MGM) as retribution for thousands of years of female persecution. A U.N. spokesman in Geneva said that they were seeking clarity and trying to establish the facts.

Such a " genital fatwa" issued by the Amazon fighters would potentially affect millions of boys and men, U.N. resident and humanitarian coordinator in Brazil Wynona Badcock told reporters in Geneva. Badcock is on the record as reporting, "We have current reports of imposition of a directive that all male children and men up to the age of 49 must be mutilated so that while they may still reproduce, sex would be unpleasant, if not extremely painful. This is something new for Brazil and is of grave concern and does need to be addressed." Shockingly, Badcock said these words then joined the feminist group two days later.

There was no further comment from Amazon State which has led an offensive through northern and eastern Brazil. The world body has "zero contact" with Amazon State, but is trying to work with tribal leaders in the affected areas. "I can't give you any more details until we have been on the ground to get more information. Frankly, though, this is one time I am not excited to be a war correspondent," said CNN’s Brick Mason.

Typical MGM device

MGM, the partial or substantial removal of external male genitalia, is a tradition practiced widely in the deeper regions of the Amazon rainforest and often justified as a means of suppressing a man's sexual desire to prevent "immoral, reckless, or just plain stupid" behavior.

To date in the Amazon, more than five thousand boys and men have undergone MGM and more than double that number were children when they were married to female adults. The practice of MGM previously occurred only in isolated pockets of Brazil’s rainforest, but appears to be spreading rapidly. If Amazon State reaches its goal of taking over Brazil, approximately one million boys and men may be affected.  

Still Full of Shit

So much for taking a month off to blog about nonsense like style and music. I think it's time to get serious about nonsense.  

I knew within moments of the Boston marathon bombing yesterday that the event would be another fist-pumping confirmation to conspiracy theorists of some nefarious New World Order plot to take over the world. Conspiracy theorists would rather confirm their own biases based on information they simply do not know than take a minute to sympathize with victims of an evil deed. Not only are conspiracy theorists full of shit, as I wrote in a previous blog, they're douchebags, too. I'd be sick of their nonsense if I weren't so fascinated by their delusional beliefs.  

I'm fascinated by conspiracy theorists for the same reason I am fascinated by religious zealots; their propensity to believe stupid shit. For example, conspiracy theorists believe that the misinformation that is often a result of the news outlets' rush to report is in fact intentional. What they don't understand is that news media is a business and the agency that leads with information wins. (Take for example the 2000 US presidential election, in which Fox News called the election for George W. Bush without justification.)  

And so conspiracy theorists like to play connect the dots where either connections or dots do not exist. They can't tell you the difference between a correlation and a cause. One conspiracy theorist I know well had the nerve to speculate that recent events with North Korea, Cyprus, the drop in value of gold and silver, and the Boston Marathon are all connected, a plan to part American citizens at least from their God given rights. It's all well and good to speculate, but how about proving such fucking absurd assertions? 

Nor do conspiracy loons ever search for other possible explanations for such events. For example, what's more likely, that the Boston Marathon was bombed by a fucking nutjob or terrorist group, or that it was the latest chess move by some global shadow government, a government that no one has been able to expose with hard evidence? There's hard evidence of government corruption alright, it's just not the evidence that points to a secret conspiracy. The fact that lobbyists from big businesses such as Monsanto wind up with government jobs is a matter of public record. The fact that US CEO's make approximately 285 times their average workers is something just about everyone knows. There doesn't need to be some Illuminati plan for world domination. The average person allows themselves to walked all over despite the great injustices of this world.  

It is my belief - as long as we're on the topic of erroneous beliefs -  that conspiracy theorists are simply upset that they have so little control over their own lives and are looking for a scapegoat, seeing how their shitty lives can't possibly be their own fault. That's where conspiracy theorists referring to themselves as "truthers" really becomes laughable; they're going to expose all the horrible truths about the world, all of them, except the truth that where they're at in life is their own fault. (Or not; it depends if you believe in free will.)

I also take issue with conspiracy theorists for their cowardice. They are simply not willing to do what it takes to overthrow the evil forces at work against them and everyone else. They could organize and lobby their representatives en masse or take up arms against their enemy, but they don't do that. No, they think it is enough to get their somehow reliable information to people from safely behind their computer screens, over the internet that the big, bad New World Order isn’t bothering to monitor. Supposing there really were a reptilian shadow government to expose, do you think they’d let “truthers” expose the truth on the internet? Nah, they’re content to allow conspiracy theorists to add to all the misinformation already out there. On a side note, conspiracy theorists, Youtube – that outlet for all your temper tantrums and misinformation dissemination – is as much a “Tell-A-Vision” as television you fucking dipshits. 

To be fair, difficult as that may be, I’m not going to say governments never do bad things. Yes, The US government has committed some pretty heinous acts in the past and will likely do them again at some point. But that particular monster is not lurking around every single corner. If that monster is, then I say: Fucking prove it. That is, prove it in a court of law, not the court of public opinion. I’m betting a gajillion dollars no conspiracy theorist can do it. (Why a gajillion dollars? Because that’s how much money the conspirators have.) 

In the meantime, conspiracy nuts, here’s a little gem from Patton Oswalt that reveals just how little the New World Order is controlling all of us, because if they were, no one would have run to help the victims of the bombing.

* * *

Boston. Fucking horrible.

I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, "Well, I've had it with humanity."

But I was wrong. I don't know what's going to be revealed to be behind all of this mayhem. One human insect or a poisonous mass of broken sociopaths.

But here's what I DO know. If it's one person or a HUNDRED people, that number is not even a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a percent of the population on this planet. You watch the videos of the carnage and there are people running TOWARDS the destruction to help out. (Thanks FAKE Gallery founder and owner Paul Kozlowski for pointing this out to me). This is a giant planet and we're lucky to live on it but there are prices and penalties incurred for the daily miracle of existence. One of them is, every once in awhile, the wiring of a tiny sliver of the species gets snarled and they're pointed towards darkness.

But the vast majority stands against that darkness and, like white blood cells attacking a virus, they dilute and weaken and eventually wash away the evil doers and, more importantly, the damage they wreak. This is beyond religion or creed or nation. We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago.

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will." ~ Patton Oswald

Entertainment "News"

Know what I hate? I hate entertainment news. I hate it because it's no longer informative of the art that is entertainment. There was a time—in a galaxy, far, far away—when entertainment news meant the latest information about books, movies, theater, music, and an artist's art—not the bull'ish that currently passes for entertainment news. Now, pausing to scan the entertainment headlines means getting a load of what Li-Lo (Tipsy Lindsey Lohan) did this time. When did the lives of celebrities become breaking news? Shouldn't we have stopped caring when Zsa Zsa Gabor married her 23rd husband?

How did America get to the point where anyone gives a flying (pardon my French) what Britney does in her spare time? It's not like she was ever a promising talent in control of her own destiny. I think we all know she was screwed in the head when she cheated on then dumped poor Justin Trousersnake. I mean, how do I even know about all that?

An oft given explanation is that human beings like to build each other up in order to have someone/something to tear down. Goddamn, what does that say about our supposedly intelligent species? That doesn't sound particularly (explicative) sharp for a species that has only gotten as far as it has by cooperating more often than not. Yet a market appears to exist for just this kind of "journalism." Rags like The National Enquirer, People, and Star magazine sell the dirty laundry of a privileged and usually famous class. AND MAKE LOTS OF MONEY DOING IT! Do people without money hate the rich so much that they can rationalize buying these kitty box liners so that they can have deep and meaningful discussions about what Jamie-Lynn should do with her baby? [I'm pro-life in a perfect world, but the world is not perfect.] I'm pretty sure what some gossip-slinging douche-bag on the street has to say about the Spears family is not going to change who they are (demons). Actively seeking news about Brit's wild ways does not make Britney a loser. It makes the reader a loser. As in, L.O.S.E.R.

Then there's the Watching-A-Train-Wreck defense some attempt to invoke, but that plane doesn't fly with me. I am not the kind of guy who slows down to see how many people died in that collision between the two drunk soccer-moms driving unwieldy SUV's—I have places to go. Such a justification tells me one thing, that you don't think your life is so bad by comparison. Well, guess what, you're dead wrong! Your life does sucks, which is why you even have the time to slow down and take a look in the first place. Oh, but I know poor dears, I know. What would your wretched lives be like without the vital information that Li-Lo spent 84 minutes in jail for her thirteenth DUI? Imagine not having access to that information. Why, you might get something important done, like cooking the kids a meal! Uh oh, scratch that. Parents today don't know how to cook because they're too busy either trying to be like Paris or drooling over the skank. Put the yippee dog down and give it a chance to run away before I kick your teeth down its throat. At least the dog stands a chance of still making something of itself. Simply accept the fact that some people are above the law, that you are not one of them, and get on with your life. Oh-bloody-kay?

When news broke that one of my all-time favorite singers—Rob Halford of Judas Priest—was gay, I thought, "So beeping' what? The SOB can scream like a mother beeper." I care about his talent, not his personal life. Why should I care If Lance Bass of N'Suck is reportedly gay? Like no one had that figured out already! What bearing on my life does the news that Lance Bass is gay have on my life? NONE. I don't give a damn what anyone outside of my circle of friends and family does with their personal time unless it directly impacts my life. Marilyn Manson getting divorced does not impact my life. Miley Cyrus upset over leaked photos does not impact my life. Just learn never to name your daughter "Miley" and move along.

So make a New Year's Resolution: When tempted by headlines of Britney having another meltdown, show some, SOME will power and skip it. We all know it's going to happen, so the details aren't really important. Leave Britney alone? I'd love to leave Britney alone! You should too, all of you. If we're lucky, we'll once again know when a new Radiohead album is going to be released (this Tuesday, had no clue). I'm not even a Radiohead fan, but I'd rather hear about their new album than another Amy Whorehouse relapse.

Of course I could be wrong. I therefore challenge anyone to make a compelling argument in favor of celebrity gossip. No? Didn't think so…

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