Sunday, March 30, 2008

The McCain Expirement

In response to the moronic chain email about Barack Obama that is currently debasing our in-boxes (along with the people who forward such drivel), I've come up with this little informational email about who Senator John S. McCain really is. At first, the idea was to entertain as well be a lesson to those people stupid enough to believe and forward the kind of crap they do about presidential candidates without doing any research themselves. That said, on a deeper level, it kind of became a measure of vengeance. I'm angry that people are dumb enough to forward me crap about Obama, angry that anyone would write such completely untrue garbage, and then that they would have the nerve to say unequivocally it is true. Grrrrr...

The idea, dear reader, is for you to please copy and paste the body of this blog about McCain into your emails and send it to as many people you know (especially to businesses that declare their pills can add six inches to your penis). It's you're turn, Democrats and Independents, to piss off the Republicans for a change. They've been doing it to you for eight years now; don't you think its time to return the favor? By the way, yes, a few minor things about McCain here are invented, a few more a sensationalized, but by and large, most of the content is true. Feel free to verify it. [Btw, the sources I cite in the email are not all the ones I used. I name these sources for reasons that should be obvious..]

All of the following information is true according to,,, The Drudge Report, and Fox News.***John SIDNEY McCain was not born on American soil to John "Jack" McCain, Jr. His father, a four-star Admiral and submarine commander, became known for being as an absentee father in the wake of Pearl Harbor, where many of Jack's homosexual lovers/crewmembers perished. This made John SIDNEY McCain resentful, aggressive, and a poor student, as he finished last in his class at naval academy. From there he was assigned to Pensacola and then Corpus Christi Air Station, where he dated a prostitute named "Marie the Flame," from whom John contracted syphilis. Often drunk, John barely passed flight school.***John SIDNEY McCain's sub-par performance would come to haunt him over the skies of Vietnam where he was quickly shot down while on a bombing run that deliberately targeted civilian women and children. McCain was lightly beaten by his captors (which John SIDNEY would later exaggerate completely to gain political votes) until his captors found out he was the son of an admiral. The Vietnamese offered to release McCain but SIDNEY refused, having fallen in love with an enemy general. They broke up and John SIDNEY McCain returned to the U.S. where he soon abandoned his wife, frequently partying and having extramarital affairs with strippers. In John SIDNEY'S own words, "My marriage's collapse was attributable to my own selfishness and immaturity." After divorcing, John SIDNEY McCain went on to marry the transsexual daughter of a beer magnate for show, as he planned to enter politics.***McCain became a Republican member of Congress thanks to the (biased and underhanded) backing of The Arizona Republic newspaper. Aligning himself with most of Ronald Reagan's views, McCain voted against Reagan's desire to keep a multi-national peace-keeping force in Lebanon and against sanctions that would have punished the nation of South Africa for apartheid. John SIDNEY McCain was starting to become known as a political maverick who cared nothing for peace or racial justice. +In 1986, SIDNEY became a senator and quickly became embroiled in scandal as a member of the Keating Five, being one of five U.S. senators who interfered with federal regulators investigating the Lincoln Savings and Loan Association. In order to clean up his image, SIDNEY began lobbying against Washington lobbyists, though he had no intention of actually voting for such resolutions. [In 1997, McCain became chairman of the powerful Senate Commerce Committee; he was criticized for accepting funds from corporations and businesses under the committee's review.] ***John SIDNEY McCain attempted to run for the office of the President of the United States in 2000, but even his state of Arizona rejected him in favor of George W. Bush. Having been rejected so harshly, in 2001, McCain considered leaving the Republican Party to become an Independent, a move that would have given control of the Senate to Democrats. However, after 9/11, John SIDNEY McCain became AFRAID of opposing Bush because he knew that anyone who did so would be labeled unpatriotic. In the 2004 election, John SIDNEY McCain's name was tossed around as a possible VP pick of the Democratic presidential nominee, John Kerry, who looks French. A closet liberal, John SIDNEY McCain frequently appears on The Daily Show, which is hosted by closeted Communist Jon Stewart.***John SIDNEY McCain's lack of true Republican values is evidenced by his opposition to Bush's tax cuts and policies on torture, and flip-flopping views on abortion; views that change upon whomever's vote he is trying to get. He also opposes any health care reform.***I don't know about you but I do not want this kind of "political maverick" to become the next president. I don't care if Arnold Schwarzenegger endorses him—Schwarzenegger is the governor of Commiefornia! My vote will be cast for a true American with unwavering values. I'm voting for Ron Paul!

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