Every now and then I listen to one of the pop radio stations to hear what the latest worst songs are, presumably because I hate myself. Rewind to last week when I turn the radio on and catch a song cleverly entitled “We Are Never Getting Back Together.” Oh. My. Holyshitthissongisaweful. Seriously, wtf? So, I look up who sings the song and, having never heard a Taylor Swift song, was surprised to find out it was a Taylor Swift song. Why was I surprised? Because like most people, mostly women, I sometimes confuse beauty with talent. Yes, I do think Taylor Swift is very beautiful, but then, what musical starlet with no talent wouldn’t be with a S.W.A.T. team of stylists at their disposal? At any rate, anyone with a musical- or objective bone in their body, which excludes most women, cannot possibly like this song. Let’s examine the song point by point with the less serious offences first.
Musically, the song is derivative. There is nothing remotely interesting about its composition or arrangement; the song merely retreads the well-established protocol of the last 30 years of pop music, meaning it’s boring. (Wait, isn’t Taylor a “country” music star? Oh, that’s right; there hasn’t been much country in country music since the mid-90’s.) Lyrically is where the song descends into Hell, though. First, it is my firm belief that there should be a 50-year moratorium on lyrics about love or relationships gone sour. Second, if you’re going to go down that road anyway, at least be creative about it. In other words, Taylor, a ten year old Alanis Morissett called and she wants her lyrics back. Third, the hook in the chorus involves a scale jump that no one who wrote the song could possibly pull off live. Cue the live performance on Youtube and…yep, I’m correct again. As a final insult, Taylor goes for “the talk over” during the bridge with disastrous results. Frankly, I’ve tried “the talk over” in songs I’ve written and let me tell you that it never-ever-ever, works. Unless you’re a rapper and obviously Taylor's no wigger.
Now, I don’t blame Taylor for trying to speak for the millions of tween girls who try desperately to convince themselves that they are not the reason a guy actually doesn’t love them or are trying to convince themselves not to go back to an asshole after a break-up. Or, whatever. Young women have been bat-shit crazy since the dawn of time, so what else are you going to do after you’ve been dumped for the umpteenth time but air your grievances publically if you have the means to do so? It's just so empowering, right ladies?
Somehow, Rolling Stone magazine named this song the second best song of 2012. Then again, what can we expect from a magazine that hasn’t been relevant since the 90’s? (Wow, the 90’s were really a watershed decade.) In all truthfulness and objectivity, Carly Rae Jepsen’s dreaded “Call Me Maybe” is a better song, and that came in at number 50. They even ranked Taylor’s song higher than Adele’s “Skyfall” which prompted a quick, “Who writes this shit?” from me. Perhaps it is time to rethink that whole legalizing marijuana thing.