Monday, November 18, 2013

Where's the Beef, Conspiracy Hypothesists?

It’s been awhile since a rant about conspiracy wonks, so I’m due…

I’ve begun thinking that conspiracy theorists should be renamed “conspiracy hypothesists” seeing how little evidence there is for 99.9% of their claims. To be a proper “theorist” one has to present evidence that is possibly compelling enough to lead to the conclusions so-called conspiracy theorists make. Now, I like speculating and hypothesizing as much as the next person, but I’m sure not going to tell you Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated by garden gnomes without compelling evidence. Similarly, I’m not going to tell you there WAS a conspiracy to assassinate JFK even though I do believe there is something fishy about the whole thing. BUT, since I cannot prove it, since I have no compelling evidence, all I have is a hypothesis about the assassination and NOT a theory. 

However, it appears the average conspiracy hypothesist has never taken a basic philosophy course, much less any instruction in epistemology. [To be fair, most people haven’t, hence, all kinds of weird ass beliefs.] To illustrate how batshit crazy some conspiracy hypothesists are, I came across a video by one wonk that proclaimed, among other ramblings, that there is a reason why your navel and doctors are named what they are. Um, that would be because YOU are akin to a ship (which apparently MUST be part of a navy) and you are delivered by a DOCtor (get it) who cuts your umbilical cord, which creates your navel. They (whoever they are) are very clever and like to make a joke out of taking freedom away from good people. Our legal terminology is no coincidence! [No, I am not making this shit up. Someone else is.] Of course, none of what our fine theorist says is backed up by any research, especially seeing how the etymology of “navy” is rooted in Latin and “navel” is rooted in Germanic. What our wonk has done is nothing even close to theorizing. 

Moreover, the always popular David Icke – famous for his works of fiction about interdimensional aliens running the New World Order being mistaken for non-fiction, especially by himself – has failed to produce a single alien body or flat-out uncover an alien posing as a politician. At best then, Icke is a conspiracy hypothesis, not a conspiracy theorist. The same rebranding applies to people who believe the ancient yet suppressed “art” of sun-gazing cures all illnesses or that orgone energy isn’t pseudo-science. As I’ve said many times before, prove it conspiracy hypothesists! Prove these things beyond a shadow of a doubt and they’ll not only be theorists, they’ll be fucking scientists in some cases. 

I’m not going to dispute that there HAVE BEEN conspiracies in the past. However, proven conspiracies are no longer in the realm of the theoretical once they are revealed. Sure, they may be conspiracies currently taking place as well, but until they can be proven they are a matter of speculation (thus, hypothetical) and there must be evidence to compel us to accept that any given conspiracy is actually taking place. You rarely, if ever, get such evidence from conspiracy hypothesists who instead like nothing more than to play connect the dots, poorly at that.

Let’s stop our tacit legitimization of the beliefs of conspiracy theorists by calling a spade a spade; conspiracy theorists are actually conspiracy hypothesists. The terminology is no coincidence.

No comments: