Santa, Because

Theory Parker here with your 2013 Christmas Hanukkah Kwanza Solstice holiday message. This year, like every year, I bring you another positive, politically-correct message sure to please everyone. And why not, since the winter holiday season is that time of year people are least likely to be offended by anything. That said. I’ve got some mother fucking shit to drop. 

The Truth About Santa Video

Regarding the War on Christmas (well, it’s more of a Conflict on Christmas since the people who are waging war on Christmas haven’t got the cojones to actually say they’re waging a war on Christmas), I say this: Leave Santa the fuck alone. He’s just a character; it’s all just a story. But, some people seem to think lying to children is offensive, nevermind that they’re the same people who say that every person – no matter what they’ve done – has inherent worth, are the same people who tell children not to pollute Mother Earth, and are the same people who tell their children that fruits are “nature’s candy.” Obviously, parents lie to their children about all sorts of things and most of the time it’s no Big Fucking Deal because in the grand scheme of things, lying about the existence of someone like Santa doesn’t scar the believer when the find out the truth. (While we’re on the subject, let’s not forget the hypocrisy of a group of people who herald the virtues of science while ignoring the scientific explanation for why human beings lie; in short, because it works.) I also contend that a smart enough child would not be terribly upset by finding out Santa isn’t real because a smart child would already suspect the whole story’s a myth anyway.

[If you’re reading this and can still feel the sting of and resent finding out Santa wasn’t an actual person, yes, you are a dumbass.]

Still, if you’re one of these people who still thinks lying to a child about the existence of Santa is so horrible, kindly show me the evidence that this particular lie constitutes the psychologically terrorism you say it is and then we’ll start a discussion. I’m merely asking that if you don’t have the evidence I’m asking for, to shut the fuck up and let people enjoy their fairy tales. As I pointed out moments ago, there are worse lies to tell your children.

So if you’re Christian, Merry Christmas; if you’re Jewish, Happy Hanukkah; if your American but prefer to be called African-American, Great Kwanza; and if you’re a vegan lesbian, Splendid Solstice. The rest of you, let the rest of us enjoy the holidays without fucking whining like Janeane Garofalo when she’s PMS’ing (which, granted, is all the goddamn time).

If you’ll excuse me, I got some presents to open because once a year on my birthday just ain’t enough.