Sunday, February 2, 2014

Cart Attack

[Sorry for the puff piece, but I have been busy lately. I'll be getting to some juicier stuff later this month. And by 'juicier' I mean the usual stuff everyone else is too scared to say.]

Although life is surely more comfortable these days, I do sometimes wish we were still hunter-gatherers. This is because there is little more I dread than going to the supermarket, for various reasons. First, there is the fact that you have to read the label on everything if you care at all about your health; that people who don’t want to be slowly poisoned are forced to do this at all is despicable. Second, there are usually kids in the supermarket, even at 2am wtf. Third, and worst of all, there are adults in the supermarket and they like to park their fucking shopping carts in the middle of the goddamn aisle. It’s a particularly inexplicable activity when other people are around and – I don’t know – may want to get by? 
I’ve seen it happen so many times I feel like a baby seal bludgeoned with a baseball bat of stupidity since I cannot fathom the origin of this behavior. Why do people go down an aisle, park their cart smack-dab in the middle, walk over to an item, stop, mull the decision, and perhaps even call their spouse to confirm the purchase all the while other people are trying to eek by? Is it a (another) case of self-absorption (since it appears to be getting worse every day)? Is it the unconscious manifestation of a desire to be a fuck-face when one is not consciously going out of their way to be one? ‘Cause that’s what people who do this are, fuck-faces.

I’ve certainly been too kind when coming across these retards (pardon the insult to retarded people), usually settling for a sarcastic muttering of “That’s a good place to park” whilst rolling my eyes as I pass by. But since the day last week one guy parked his cart perpendicular to the aisle blocking all traffic, I’ve decided to retaliate. Make a problem for me and I’m going to make a problem for you. I’m going to take stuff out of their cart they want and put stuff into their cart they weren’t going to buy and see if they notice. Or, I’m going to take their cart and go park it somewhere else, like the dildo aisle. Or maybe I’ll follow them around and park in the middle of the aisle in front of them and see how they like it because, yeah, I do have time to play games.

Until people stop parking their carts in the middle of the supermarket aisle, there will never be world peace, so stop praying for it. After all, it seems to me that many of the people who think it’s a good idea to pray for world peace are the shitheads who are parking their carts in the middle of the aisle. How about y’all take your cart and park it someplace the sun don’t shine instead? The next time this shit happens, the store manager’s gonna need a clean-up in aisle four.

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