Saturday, February 8, 2014

I Bielibe It's the Hair

An open letter to Justin Bieber:

Look kid, I just saw the headlines, again. Even though I didn’t read the story, I already know the whole “testing positive for pot and Xanax” thing isn’t going to help you personally. Neither is driving an expensive sports car recklessly around the neighborhood, turning up your stereo way too loud, having confrontations with your neighbors, or – especially – being carried up the Great Wall of China by bodyguards. Yeah, that last one didn’t make you look like a god. You looked like a pussy. Because you are a pussy. And you’re a pussy because of your hair.

Your hair looks really feminine. It doesn’t matter if it’s the new-wave bowl-cut, shaved on one side, or the Kid & Play retro-80’s up-do. It still looks really soft, just like the person it’s coming out of. Granted, it’s not your fault you lost the genetic lottery, having the kind of hair silk worms would die for, and you certainly did make the most of your misfortune in terms of bilking cold, hard cash from a demographic that is sexually confused. I am curious, though, how do live knowing you’re such a pussy, that no matter how much blow you snort, no matter how much pot you smoke, no matter how fast you drive, no matter how much money your fans fill your treasure chest with, you’re never going to get respect? Shit, you could be a better entertainer than Michael Jackson and still no one would respect you. But, I offer you a way out.

Boy, you’ve got to cut your hair off. Like, all of it. Like, now. Sure, you’re laughing all the way to the bank right now while you party your little heart out. Sure, you’re just barely 20 and doing all the crazy shit everyone does at that age, but everyone else doesn’t get mistaken for Miley Cyrus. A decade from now, there isn’t a fan of today’s pop music that will be able to tell you apart from her when looking at your photo. Is that what you want? You’re alleged to be an evangelical Christian; problem is, I’m sure they frown upon sexual ambiguity given their patriarchal worldview. On the other hand, I guess evangelical Christians pride themselves on being followers, and you’ve certainly got that wrapped up as yet another teen star spiraling out of control.

Is this what you want Biebs, to be like everyone else? Granted, being a follower has its advantages, but you are in a unique position to re-invent yourself. By why do that since your money will last forever, prompting you to ‘retire’? Yeah, what you don’t realize, babe, is that the way you’re partying, that money ain’t going to last long, forcing you to put out another album and tour at some point. Might as well get started writing some new tunes now, before you finally do something stupid enough to get you locked up with large black men who like PYT’s like you. Then you’re really going to have something to sing about. (Um, you might want to skip gratuitous drug references on your next album; that’s Miley’s shtick. But if you are in fact the same person, then by all means.)

For your own sake For everyone else’s sake, cut off your hair. It won’t weaken you; you’re not Samson. Cut off your hair and splash some Rogaine on your face and chest. Shit, don’t forget your balls while you’re at it, if you got ‘em. I’m not sure you do. After all, it’s easy to act like a maniac when you’ve got plenty of money to get you off the hook. So cut off the hair. Hey, it worked for Britney, didn’t it? Yeah, cut it off before I do it for you.

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